WORD TO YOUR MOTHER

Slang is the new a way to let people know you are cool. It’s not about how many words you know but the kind of words you know. If it wasn't for slang, librarians would cooler than Morris Day, and that’s just not true!

• When your hair isn’t as stylish as usual, say, “I’m having a bad hair day!” This is the hilarious way help ease the pain you have caused your friends by going out with that frizzy, greasy, dandruff sprinkled, lice hatchery you call a head.

• If you're at party and you trip over the carpet, don’t say, “Ouch.” Instead, try, “I've fallen and I can't get up!” This is the funniest commercial on the air right now. You’ve seen it. An old man falls and is about to die so he presses a button and says, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” I don’t know what happens after that because every time I see it, I laugh so hard I soil myself and have to get off the couch.

• Call all the women in your life “girlfriend.” Your boss, your landlady, nuns: it doesn’t matter. Call them girlfriend. Say you’re on a train, and you see one of those young women who thinks she’s better than you because she’s carrying several bags of health food and a yoga (pronounced “yoe-gah”) mat. Don’t offer her a seat. Say, “Girlfriend, why don’t you use your third eye to levitate to the next stop?” She’ll think you guys are best friends! Note: never call your girlfriend “girlfriend.” Call her your “old lady.” It’ll make her feel special and a little bit horny.

• For years I have been wondering, “Who da bomb?” Well, I’m da bomb. You da bomb. Robert Smith of The Cure – his hair is so da bomb, it exploded. It is then that I find myself trying to figure out who is NOT da bomb. Condoleezza Rice is not da bomb. She is closer to being da bomb when she goes by Condi and wears those boots, but still, most definitely not da bomb. While Marilu Henner from Taxi is not da bomb, Judd Hirsch, from the same show, totally is. It’s so confusing!

• I am not sure what “word to your mother,” means but if Vanilla Ice coined it, it’s gotta be cool. Use it for the title of just about anything or when people say things you don’t quite understand. Recently, I was at a convention of brain doctors, and Robin Goldman, PhDuh, said to me, “I suspect that individual differences or mutations in mitochondrial DNA in the cytoplasm may contribute to the pathogenesis of bi-polar disorder” and I was all, “Word to your mother.” She was so startled by my response that she had no choice but to quote me in an article she wrote for Brain Doctor Weekly. I was flattered but secretly, I have my doubts whether or not she’s da bomb.