TOTALLY HOT

You guys, I know it’s 2007 but I’m starting to think the ‘80’s are back. Just a few minutes ago, I saw maybe one or two hundred girls are wearing off the shoulder shirts, mini skirts, and checkered Vans. I was like, “Gag me with a gnarly – I have to try this!”

It’s weird, because this morning, I thought the ’70’s were still here. But I think that’s because I woke up on a waterbed getting my yoni massaged by a mall security guard named Todd. So I’ve decided to take these bell-bottoms off, set them on fire, and usher in the dawn of an old era! So now that it’s settled, please allow me to share with you what I know is going to be totally hot.


Todd

• Great Big Eyebrows – Jane Wiedlin from the Go-Go’s , Brooke Shields, those chicks in the Robert Palmer videos. Each represented a proud, bushy brow heritage. It was as if fuzzy, black caterpillars had died on their foreheads. When I look at the tidy arches of today’s waxing addicts, I feel sorry for them. They think a well-defined brow means you’re rich and smart and care about what you look like. Well it doesn’t. It means you probably don't have pubes, either. Actually, I always thought of Mr. T’s mowhawk as a big eyebrow looking up at God and saying, “I pity the fool who sits on a cloud thinking he controls me!”

It was as if fuzzy, black caterpillars had died on their foreheads.

• Ricky Schroeder – Not Rick Schroeder. Rick Schroeder is a New York cop who thrusts his bare butt on TV. I want Ricky from Silver Spoons! Ricky from The Champ! Oh, Ricky you’re so fine you’re so fine when I’m tanked on wine. Hey Ricky! Hey Ricky! He should definitely put the Y back on his name. Hanging on to the kiddy version of their names has done wonders for the careers of Mickey Roarke and Tommy Lee.

• Moles – Some people think one should get malignant tumors removed. Honestly, nothing says “lick me, bite me, love me forever” like a lusty, fluffy mole. Cindy Crawford and Madonna, two rather homely midwestern girls, were both made utterly delicious by strategically placed moles. And kind of rich, too. A coincidence? I doubt it. Bring back the moles.

• Trendy Food - clear soda, square pizza, pesto, Smurfs. These were food trends that didn’t last longer than the next trip to the shitter. Most people don’t recall that Smurfs started out their existence on the planet as food. But they made themselves so Smurfin’ adorable that we as a nation wouldn’t eat them. Sort of like kittens do nowadays. But I don't buy it. I’m eating cat meat lasagna now – molto bene!

The shitter.

• The Jheri Curl – This was a hairdo so futuristic it required activator. I can't think of one reason why you wouldn't rehash this timeless, wall staining treasure. Only this time, I suggest white people and Asians try it, too. Particularly dentists. Wouldn’t that be awesome? A Korean dentist dripping Jheri Curl juice in your mouth? By accident? I’m getting wet just thinking about it.

It required activator.

• Genital Herpes – What’s the big deal? So my junk’s a little scabby. But only sometimes. It all still works. Herpes isn’t going kill me and I fun contracting it. So call me. I really want to try that thing we talked about.

• Kitty Dukakis – It makes me so angry to be reminded that our country threw away the opportunity to have Super Lush as First Lady. Fools! Can't you imagine her at Presidential dinners, tastefully dressed, handing out highballs of hairspray and goblets of antifreeze? I say, “Meow, Meow vote for Kitty NOW!”

Amazing Hair!
How sweet the sound
of crunchy bangs all teased
My hair goes up
Then cascades down
Was bummed but now
I’m pleased

• Acid Wash Denim - Those filthy hippies in the 1960's went bonkers for acid. By the 80's, the stylish washed their clothes in it. Talk about fashion evolution. I suggest bringing this one back along with Cocaine Cotton and Smokable Thongs.

• Television shows about black kids living with white people – Diff’rent Strokes, Webster, Alf: each of these shows had nearly all white casts with a brother of another color banging out the bellylaughs. These sitcoms were groundbreaking, I tell you. They proved that the fair-skinned and the brown-skinned, the tall and the short, the human and the puppet, could all get along. On TV, anyways. If I see a puppet in real life, I lynch it.