Toilet Notes

1. In my bathroom I can hear this honking sound coming from the dude downstairs.  I used to think it was a masturbatory moan - he making dirty dirty in his bathroom while I got clean in mine.  Now I believe it's some sort of nasal blockage or a routinely painful poo.  I don't like it.
   
2. I heard my boss fart.  I was in the first stall, she was in the third.  Now as then, we pretend it never happened.
3. Back in 'Nam, I went into a wooden, upright, open-topped box that reminded me more of a camping shower than a toilet.  There was a pit on the ground and, I learned after taking a dump so watery it was more like a squirt, that there was no toilet paper.  "Ah," thought as the tops of my thighs started burning from squatting and pondering for so long, "that's what those plastic buckets are for."  Eventually, after my legs fell asleep, I used my hand and the bucket of water.  I walked out of the stall to rejoin lunch at a restaurant in the mountains.  Somehow, I was a lot older.
4. I was so tired of throwing up in the bathroom.  I'd been in there for hours.  Who knew drinking and doing speed all day on an empty stomach could result in such drama!  I had a cigarette in one hand and a joint in the other as held my face over the sink letting all the chemicals drain out of me.  Eduardo and Katie said their goodbyes and left together.  This made me very uneasy.  Psychologically, he was still was mine even though I had a boyfriend and I'd already ended our affair that was consummated during my last relationship and he'd already slept with Katie and I had slept with Katie but way before he did so I was right, as usual, and they were not to be trusted.  After what felt like five days, I decided to come out of the bathroom to find my roommates and their friends sitting in the living room.  I told them how sick of being in the bathroom I was.  Luckily, I'd brought a bowl with me.  I puked into that while attempting to stay in the conversation.  Christ.