Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time, on the Upper West Side, there was a princess named Rachel. On a sunny afternoon, while walking to Zabar's Delicatessen, Rachel happened upon a young pigeon. Having seen a lot of Disney movies, she knelt down and spoke to it.

Said Rachel, "Fine feathered friend, I understand that someday my prince will come. I'm just wondering, what day is that, exactly? To have the right wedding, a princess has a lot of planning to do!"

"Gettoutta my way, lady," the pigeon replied. "Can't you see I'm eatin' ovah here!" And with that, the pigeon continued to peck at a discarded scrap of pretzel. Anytime Rachel tried to to say anything, the pigeon simple turned his back to her and emitted an angry cooing sound that sounded an awful lot like boiling water.

This gave Rachel an idea.

"Thank you, pigeon!" She scooped him up and shoved him in her handbag.

She returned to her castle, handed the handbag to her chef, and he immediately cooked the pigeon into a lovely squab soup for "squab" is what one calls a cooked pigeon.

Rachel took a bite, "Delish!" She said. She took a second bite. "I do not EVEN care how many calories are in this!" She took a third bite and said in a gravelly, familiar tone, "January 14th, lady. You'll meet a nice kid named John at the fountain in the park and you will marry in May of the following year. Now leave me alone. There's a half eaten burrito your stomach and I gotta get with it."

As predicted by the soup, Rachel did meet John at the fountain in Central Park - you know, the one with the sculpture with the lady in the center. For when the soup had said, "the park," that is what she assumed he meant. Alas, he was not referring to a big fountain but rather to a drinking fountain. The drinking fountain in Thompkins Square Park, to be exact. The squab soup had been predominately a downtown pigeon. Unfortunately, the John Rachel married was still in love with his ex-girlfriend. So Rachel, John, and the ghost of girlfriend past lived tolerably ever after.

The End.