I had sex with...

No, this is not that tragic soul from Chico and the Man.  Nor is it Hall (or is it Oates?).  It's Tony Orlando and I had sex with him.   For those of you too young to remember, Tony Orlando and Dawn were an uplifting lite rock musical act consisting of one fine, mustachioed man and two tramps in matching jumpsuits that had to get the "F" out of my way.  

I first met Tony in Orlando, seriously.  I was in the Sunshine Lounge at the Marriott, enjoying a Pina Colada, minding my own business with I felt the warm glare of a toothy grin.  "Hi, lady," he said.  So astute!  I am a lady!  He had me right there, but I tried to play it cool.  I pulled out a Benson and Hedges menthol and he flicked it out of my mouth.  "There won't be room between your lips for that," he growled in my ear as he whisked me into his arms and carried me up to his room.  I felt like a bride!  

He kicked to door open to room 703 and there were those trollops, Dawn, watching General Hospital in matching bathrobes.   Oh, I'm sorry, did you think this was a night move? No, no, no, children, I nourished this body of mine in the light of day!  A little known fact about Dawn: They speak in unison.  It was disconcerting because when I punched one, they both went,"Ow!"  Finally, once I'd managed to wrestle them out on the balcony, I locked the sliding glass door, I drained the contents of the mini bar and made sweet love to Tony before passing out in the tub.  I woke up, alone, with nothing but a few black hairs to remind me...