How to Date an Alcoholic

Many of you think dating an alcoholic is difficult.  Take it from me, it SO isn't!  For those of you who are bottle shy, here's a few pointers.

First, and this is very important, you will have to decide which kind of alcoholic you would like to date.  Broadly speaking, there are two kinds: active drinkers and those in recovery.  

The active drinkers are fun yet frightening - especially when they burst into tears during dinner, while drunk driving, or in the middle of what you thought was about to be sex.  Active drinkers like to spend money (theirs or their mothers'), can be the life of the party or the weird brooding mannequin in the middle of the room.  It's like playing Russian Roulette but instead of one bullet, the whole gun is full.

Alcoholics in recovery take very seriously whatever it is they have used to replace alcohol - bargain hunting, baseball, AA, rare breeds of cats.  About these things they are particularly fond of statistics.  "See this coffee?  I got nine pounds of it for 40% off the retail price.  That's a savings of 3/4 of a penny per sip!"  

Both types of alcoholics are wildly obsessive and both types love alcohol more than you so when you get down to it, don't worry: they're kinda the same. 

Secondly, you will have to figure out what you'd like to waste on this relationship.  Time?  Money?  Your two front teeth?  Rest assured, you will lose something when dating an alky weather it's your dignity ("Come on, just pull over here so I can shit behind this church") or the sparkle in your eye.  Youth will surprise you by effortlessly slipping out of your body like a too-full tampon.  You forget to restock on hope as well as toilet paper and joy.

Thirdly, take a deep, cleansing breath to prepare your headspace for Alky Wisdom.  The cleansing breath is to wash your mind of anything you've ever learned before because whether they're drunk or sober, Alky Wisdom 'tis a bewitching thing!  Here are a few chocolates from my very own heart-shaped sampler box.  Now, I want you to guess which quotes came from a stinky-breathed Drinker and which were espoused from high atop Mount Judgement by a Sober.

1. "I have to use the bathroom.  Let's go in this bar."
   
2. "I feel sorry for you and my mom because you don't believe in God."
   
3. "Listen...pst...pst...hear the high hat?  Okay, and, over here...tcha, tcha, tcha...the snare...you know, house music, George Harrison, alright, it's all about the Beatles and what Bowie meant, 'John, I'm only dancing,' alright.  That's how it's done in the music industry.  It's eating pizza, man."
   
4. (Said as he's polishing off a quart of mango sorbet which contained a single tablespoon of rum) "Well next time, just remember, if you want me to eat it, don't put any alcohol in it."

This is a secret I will let you in on.  If you want to make a happy life with a drinking alcoholic, become one yourself.  I have found that the best way to schedule this is to fight all morning when you're hung over so nothing gets in the way of the happiness found by way of boozing all night.  If you have chosen to dedicate your life to one in recovery, then I suggest you measure everything in 12 Steps.  It's the language they best understand.  You can have Twelve Steps to Marriage, Twelve Steps to Childhood Super Hero Fantasies, Twelve Steps to Cutting your Fingernails or the Lawn, etc.  Everything from the common cold to the financial crisis to dumping his ass and moving to another state can be solved in twelve steps.  Believe me.