Business

Merry Christmas, Darling!

As a child, Grandma Bouvier always told me that there was "something weird" about The Carpenters.  "Singing those love songs," she would scoff.  "A brother and sister!  No wonder she had an eating disorder.  And what was the deal with them hanging out with Nixon?"  With those bangs, it is an absolute wonder that Karen and Richard Carpenter didn't start a cult.  After all, Jesus was a carpenter, too.

This Is a Great Movie

It's called Starhops and is about three girls - one is smart, one is pretty, and the other one is French because when you think about it, that's the way it usually goes in trios of girls. Come on, ladies, think back to your best friends in junior high: there was The Brain, there was The Beauty, and then there was Marie-Francoise La Brie. Which one were you?  I was the Frenchy.  Bouvier-3000, duh.  So these three sirens have this drive in restaurant that will go out of business if they don't bring in more customers...pronto! In a stroke of brilliant businessity, they make these outfits, lace up their skates, et voila, the restaurant is saved. You know why? Because the French girl makes outstanding hot dogs. I'm kid you not.  Her hot dogs were the best hot dogs the stupid girl had ever tasted. And I'm guessing she had tasted loads of hot dogs.  

I had sex with...

I know you're thinking to yourself, "No she didn't," and I'm here to tell  you, "Yes, I did."  I boned Janet "Miss Jackson if you're nasty" Jackson.  Well, since we're both chicks, "boned" probably isn't the best word to describe it.  I de-boned her.  And, get this, homegirl took my keys!  I was like, "Jay-Jay Girl, I have to go," and she started acting irrational, crying, slamming doors, eating lipgloss.  Finally, I got my leggings on and as I'm heading for the door, she grabs my car keys out of my hand, and shoves them in her 'do.  Now, you see the impressive pile her hair was in those days.  So, as you can imagine, it took me awhile to find the keys and by the time I did, my leggings had somehow been used to secure her wrists and to the wrought iron post of the bed.  Yes, had just seen 9 1/2 Weeks and yes, she loved it.  Control?  Mine, all mine.

STARS! They're just like us.

They work out just like us.

They pretend New York is worth it just like us.

They make unfortunate romantic decisions just like us.

They look better without a bunch of make up on just like us.

They lose the plot just like us.

They get wasted and wonder where all the years went just like us.