Song of the Sofa Sloth

I'm so thirsty and would get water 

but I'm too lazy

I could be a better daughter 

but I'm too lazy

Massage my neck to rid the crink

Cook myself a sausage link

Do instead of think 

but I'm too lazy

Can't be bothered to scratch that itch 

cause I'm so lazy

I can barely move an inch 

cause I'm so lazy

I'm a loner not a dater

and too stoned to be a hater

I wish my tub had an elevator

cause I'm so lazy

Classic Struggles and the Circle of Life

Man vs. Nature

Nature vs. Blondes

Blondes vs. Brains

Brains vs. Brawn

Brawn vs.  LeBron

LeBron vs. LeBaron

LeBaron vs. Any car that is a lot cuter than a LeBaron

Any car that is a lot cuter than a LeBaron vs. Nature

Nature vs. Man

Man vs. Nature

a list

The list of things you have to do:

• do laundry
  
• go to the gym
  
• get married
• lose 20 lbs
• clean out bathroom cabinet
  
• make a million dollars
  
• sell your brilliant tv show idea to a network
  
• sell your even more brilliant film idea to a production company
• leave your boss in a horrible lurch by quitting, in dramatic fashion like waiting for her to be a psychopath again (won't take long) and holding up two fingers and she thinks it means "peace" but really it means "peace out!" ha ha!
• buy a house in kauai
  
• buy an apartment in new york
  
• get a housekeeper for both
• make a mix CD
• clean that night stand that your boyfriend found on the street but you've been using even though for all you know some homeless person could've taken a dump on it.
• buy fresh flowers
• email the public relations guy
• make a million dollars
• go to the book store
• get business cards printed
• change your entire life
• change your thinking
• change your belief system
• make a million dollars
• talk to god
• get out of debt
• believe

Another poem

muddy, mustard yellow pencil

why should i be afraid?

perhaps because you stand for math and mistakes

"c'mon, kids!" you shout, 

your voice full of A plus pluses and wonder 

"let's get on point!" 

then, drunk with your own power, you become horribly dull

and taunt a student like me 

she who must constantly second guess the answer

and start again

"psst, kid.  wanna watch me wear a hole through your graph paper?"

"no!"

then you did it anyways

but i'm a grown up now

and a better dinner date than you, for sure

i can appreciate

check it out:

your design is simple

yet complex

so many sides

and that choice called "mechanical"

goddamn it, who else has a choice called "mechanical!"

pencil, you frustrate me

A Brief History of Man

He-Man  - Tough guy.  Also known as a "man's man" but not in the gay gay sense of the term.  See: The Little Rascals' He-Man Woman-Haters Club for example.

She-Man - A transvestite in the 1980's.  The term is now extinct and the group now prefers to be called "transgender" or "red hot fierce tranny mess," depending on the circumstances.

Seaman - A male at sea.  Or a mix of sperm and other fluid ejaculating from the penis at the end of an male's sexual orgasm.  Or both.  Together.  Can I get a what what?

Merman - A sexy, underwater creature with a tail and three pronged poker.  

German - A group people found in the middle of Europe with a tendency to get rather cranky and lash out at their neighbors every 40 years or so.  They live in concrete blocks and produce long words.

Herbie Mann - A jaunty, jazzy flautist, popular in the 1960's.

Manfred Mann - A rock band whose notable lyrics "wreck up like a douche in the motor in the night," perplexed many, the author included.

I had sex with...

No, this is not that tragic soul from Chico and the Man.  Nor is it Hall (or is it Oates?).  It's Tony Orlando and I had sex with him.   For those of you too young to remember, Tony Orlando and Dawn were an uplifting lite rock musical act consisting of one fine, mustachioed man and two tramps in matching jumpsuits that had to get the "F" out of my way.  

I first met Tony in Orlando, seriously.  I was in the Sunshine Lounge at the Marriott, enjoying a Pina Colada, minding my own business with I felt the warm glare of a toothy grin.  "Hi, lady," he said.  So astute!  I am a lady!  He had me right there, but I tried to play it cool.  I pulled out a Benson and Hedges menthol and he flicked it out of my mouth.  "There won't be room between your lips for that," he growled in my ear as he whisked me into his arms and carried me up to his room.  I felt like a bride!  

He kicked to door open to room 703 and there were those trollops, Dawn, watching General Hospital in matching bathrobes.   Oh, I'm sorry, did you think this was a night move? No, no, no, children, I nourished this body of mine in the light of day!  A little known fact about Dawn: They speak in unison.  It was disconcerting because when I punched one, they both went,"Ow!"  Finally, once I'd managed to wrestle them out on the balcony, I locked the sliding glass door, I drained the contents of the mini bar and made sweet love to Tony before passing out in the tub.  I woke up, alone, with nothing but a few black hairs to remind me...

non-fiction condition 

affliction 

familial friction 

or tradition 

love malnutrition

moral contradiction

financial constriction

ex-boyfriend crucifixion

poppa jazz musician

self inquisition

Toilet Notes

1. In my bathroom I can hear this honking sound coming from the dude downstairs.  I used to think it was a masturbatory moan - he making dirty dirty in his bathroom while I got clean in mine.  Now I believe it's some sort of nasal blockage or a routinely painful poo.  I don't like it.
   
2. I heard my boss fart.  I was in the first stall, she was in the third.  Now as then, we pretend it never happened.
3. Back in 'Nam, I went into a wooden, upright, open-topped box that reminded me more of a camping shower than a toilet.  There was a pit on the ground and, I learned after taking a dump so watery it was more like a squirt, that there was no toilet paper.  "Ah," thought as the tops of my thighs started burning from squatting and pondering for so long, "that's what those plastic buckets are for."  Eventually, after my legs fell asleep, I used my hand and the bucket of water.  I walked out of the stall to rejoin lunch at a restaurant in the mountains.  Somehow, I was a lot older.
4. I was so tired of throwing up in the bathroom.  I'd been in there for hours.  Who knew drinking and doing speed all day on an empty stomach could result in such drama!  I had a cigarette in one hand and a joint in the other as held my face over the sink letting all the chemicals drain out of me.  Eduardo and Katie said their goodbyes and left together.  This made me very uneasy.  Psychologically, he was still was mine even though I had a boyfriend and I'd already ended our affair that was consummated during my last relationship and he'd already slept with Katie and I had slept with Katie but way before he did so I was right, as usual, and they were not to be trusted.  After what felt like five days, I decided to come out of the bathroom to find my roommates and their friends sitting in the living room.  I told them how sick of being in the bathroom I was.  Luckily, I'd brought a bowl with me.  I puked into that while attempting to stay in the conversation.  Christ.

A Poem

Because I am jealous of your success

I am placing a wicked, ugly hex

on the birthday gifts I stole from my work 

I'm a humble (yet talented) beauty supply store clerk

Smooth and silky,

a glistening pink

May this lotion give off

an unwashable stink

Let this pricey shampoo 

make your hair greasy

and the scent of this soap 

make your stomach queasy

Here's bottle of bath beads

I'm adding to the box

That flushes the skin scarlet

with a chickeny pox

This gardenia perfume 

will make thee dizzy

This apple conditioner 

shall make thy hairdo frizzy

I'm afraid this eye cream 

promotes crow's feet

and this cellulite oil 

insures a puckered seat

This bleach will make 

that mustache of yours dark

As you - not I - 

perform Shakespeare in the park

With these potions I promise

To tame you, shrew

Then the world will know

My Juliet acts circles around you!

May you look like a raccoon

in this smudgy eyeliner

May this lip gloss give you hair

like lips of your vagina

A war cry to Athena!

Alert all nine muses! 

The gods have bestowed really good parts

to a strumpet who seduces

Producers, directors, agents,

keepers of the gate

you throw yourself at any man in the theater 

who seems straight.

My craft is solid

I can play princess, nymph, or witch

Your movements are wooden

So good luck with that itch

You do not deserve your success

So I must cast this everlasting hex

On the birthday presents I pocketed from my work 

I'm a humble - but soon to be revered -

beauty supply store clerk