Called it

Hmm, didn't somebody make a prediction that the bird flying around your head thing was about to be massive?  Gee, I wonder who could be so fashion forward?  Oh, it was me!  Take note America and get a bird!

Ugly Things #3

Perhaps by now you have gathered that I, Bouvier, come from humble beginnings.  And though I am now an international icon of culture, style, and taste, many of my relatives are not.  Take my uncle Kel.  He's got a good soul but a bad eye.  He bought be this teddy bear planter for me for Kwanzaa...four years in a row.  I kept donating it to the Salvation Army and he loves to shop there so, well, it was ironic to say the least. 

Uncle Kel also got me this Sock Monkey Dress.  I hate sock monkeys with all my heart and turning a gaggle of them into a ball gown will not change that.  That's me on the right begging my uncle to take it back.  I said, "It's too rich, too delicate for me, mon oncle!" I often speak in French to confuse my relatives.  He said, "Listen to the big time fancy plogger."  Plogger.  Uncle Kel has never touched a computer for fear that the devil will steal his soul through the "finger tap thingies."  

Oui, il est mon Oncle Kel - quel horrreur!  As you can see, he too is a "fancy plogger."  But don't hate.  He's a good man.  A kind man.  A complicated man.  But yes, an ugly man and that's why his photo must live among the Ugly Things.

I had sex with...

I had sex with Menudo.  It's hard to talk about it.  I mean, yes, I did it and yes I loved every hour of it but...well.  This is really hard for me to say.  I thought they were New Edition.  I, Bouvier, had a mother who thought that many wonderful things in life were evil.  Things like salt, make up, sugar cereal, and television.  So not only was I stuck trying to enjoy cold clots of honey on Shredded Wheat for breakfast, when I went out into the world, I was downright gullible!  A friend had made me a cassette of New Edition.  I listened to it endlessly and when I saw Menudo eating poached eggs in Baker's Square, I flipped out.  I ran to their table and said, "I love your band."  The one I thought was Bobby said, "Prove it."  So I did.   I'm so ashamed.  I mean only one of them is famous now.  One!  And he's probably gay.  Why is life so cruel?

Alannah

This is Alannah Grace Prentiss-Hamilton and she will steal your boyfriend.  Prentiss is her mom's last name.  Hamilton is her dad's.  They were two modern individualists who met and married and taught all three of their daughters that the world was their oyster.  "But," Allannah thought, "how can the world be mine, really mine, if I have to share it?"  She did not like sharing.  She took things from her sisters like a dress or a grape scented marker all the while thinking, "Mine."  At school, she  never returned books to the library again, always thinking, "Mine."  If there was a long line at the lunch counter at school, she would walk straight to the front.  In those cases, she didn't think, "Mine."  She thought, "Me first."  Now that she is older, if she likes your man, she will take him.  Sadly, she doesn't see men any differently from a dress or a marker or a grilled cheese sandwich at the lunch counter.  Poor Allanah.  She is never satisfied because there is always more to want.

Art

It is not often that I bring readers into my personal space but since it's snowing, I'm unemployed, and rather drunk, I thought I'd invite you to a private viewing.  Yes, it's the Bouvier Collection of Fine Arts!  

As you can imagine, I have always had a keen and delicate eye for all things marginally representational.  So over the years, I have filled my home, my life, with artistic treasures and you can, too.  It's easy.  Here are two pieces I recently acquired at auction:

That's "Fuckin' Fag with a Feather in His Helmet" by Ricky Velasquez on the left and "The Holy Mother Goes to Court Seeking Child Support" by Toula Papadapolous on the right.  Stunning, no?

This gritty piece of soul searching realism was done by Janica Taylor of Baltimore, MD.  Janica is 22 and has been clinically depressed for like 15 years.  Now, I'm not saying depression makes for great art, but honestly, it can't hurt!  Those tears.  I just want to touch them to see if my fingertips get wet, you know?  

This objet d'art above is called "Why the Hell Did You Adopt Me, White Lady?"  I'm not sure what it's about but if I ever meet the artist, I will serve her a nice big plate of egg foo yung and ask.

As common in the art world (that's where those of us in the know live - the art world), many children take after their parents.  This next painting entitled, "Just Another Tuesday," was done by none other than Diana Taylor, Janica's mom.

That's little Janica and her sister, Heartbeat, clamoring for Diana's nippless breasts.  Is that a family portrait or is that a family portrait?  Just like Janica's tears, if I put my hand to it, I can almost feel the love.  Almost.

Many people do not like clowns.  Personally, I love them.  I find they offer a kind of solace usually only found with Bostonian priests, small town cops, and Greyhound bus drivers on meth, like my dad.  When I find myself in times of trouble, I only have to look at "Kolonoscopy the Klown" by Maurice Higgins and I know there's a just and loving god watching over me.

2009 Predictions by Bouvier!

1. A new year, a new you!  Or at least that's what the gyms and department stores would like you to believe.  It's not true, I'm sorry to say.  You will still be you in 2009.  This is my first prediction.
   
2. You will waste many hours on Facebook - Whether it's finding out whatever happened to Laura Wymer from your 8th grade biology class, playing Scrabble, sending hugs, or quizzing all the people you know about Patrick Swayze movies, you will waste many precious hours on Facebook.  What could you be doing instead?  Cleaning out your closets, feeding your kids, feeding yourself, solving the mystery of the Bermuda Triangle, humping, etc.
3. Turbans are in and the doo rag is out!
4. A return of feathered hair.  And not just the blow dried kind, either.  True, Farrah is a fine feathered inspiration, but so is the feathered roach clip behind one ear, the knee length Sitting Bull crown, and of course, The Falcon.  Yes, I am saying people will be walking around with birds hovering around their heads.  You read it here first.
5. There will be a creme brulee shortage in the Northeast of the US for all of March and the first week of April.  With great urgency I say, "Be prepared!"  Go to Trader Joe's.  Get the canned kind.  Whatever.  Just don't try to live without it.

From Crust to Crust by Duncan Murphy - Bing City Pizzeria, Garden State Mall, New Jersey

From crust to crust

Of pizza pie, I sing

A recipe of my own concoxion

Pepperoni alone is not worthy of attention

But when pair'd with red sauce spicy and sweet

'tis a different story

With a passion for cheese

I add three kinds: white, yellow, and the other white

You know, the one that you scoop with a spoon

O! Glory be thy sausage, mushroom, bell pepper, and basil

Fresh tomato?  Yes.

Pineapple?  Impure, but what the hell

Bacon!  Chicken!  Broccoli!  Black olives and green!

Add them all, add them all.

And when it comes out of the oven

A round and weighty, gooey delight

I shall feast with Melissa from the fro-yo place

Who trades me bite for bite.

I like the sand under my toes

I like the salt air ticking my nose

I like the sky so far out of reach

I like the ocean

I like the beach